Success, failure and what really happens

lifestyle

Let’s start with a walk down memory lane: you’re 14 and watching 27 Dresses with your best friend. You’re both shoveling chocolate into your mouths thinking that James Marsden is the cutest guy ever. You idolize Katherine Heigl’s humble, selfless character and think “wow I’m not going to be like her selfish sister, I’m going to be like her!” Well, kids, it happened. You’re 22 years old and your notebooks are falling apart with to-do lists and calendars. You’re saying “yes” to almost everything. And finally, you’re running between jobs to make everyone happy. What is the price of your 27 Dresses lifestyle?

People offer advice and help but what do you say when someone says you need to take a break?

All joking aside, I’m learning each day how crucial it is to take care of yourself. I read a quote earlier today: “you don’t have to be stressed or busy to be important.” And while I struggled to find the words of wisdom to help me through this time, those were them. I’m putting myself in difficult situations because working every day and being hopelessly tired every night means I’m important. Wrong. It means I’m stretching myself too thin and compromising other elements of my life: relationships, physical health, mental health, and even job performance. I realized today that due to my tiredness and lack of concentration last week, I really let some of my responsibilities slide. It affected so many other people involved in my job, and while I wasn’t obligated to work my main job while I was at my second job, I felt it was my duty as a decent person to not let more work slip through the cracks. I somehow worked two full days over the course of one normal work day. I slid behind doors that I knew blocked security cameras to answer emails. I ate cold pizza from a Tupperware container perched on my knees while I drove from the museum to my office to pick up some materials and have a short meeting. I mean, I tried living two days in one and that was insane.

Success isn’t defined by your lack of sleep. Failure isn’t defined by your attention to self care. Success isn’t characterized by skipping meals. Failure isn’t the picture of you in your blue bathrobe. The reality is, each of us defines success and failure in our own thoughts and actions. “Everyone is on their own unique path in life.” That’s been my mantra since embarking on this journey. My path is the road I’ve been on, but I’m driving the car.

I need to put myself first. I’m at a point where I need to feel confident in my abilities to an extent and feel like I can work hard and sleep hard, not just work hard and feel like vomiting all the time. Sorry for that visual, but I’m about telling the truth here.

So this Katherine Heigl martyr character shall be no more, and while I won’t undertake the identity of the inauthentic, selfish, wedding-crazy younger sister, I will stop being the star of my own rom-com.

Day 12 10/11/18

lifestyle

Today was bad. Like how I thought the white wine was sweet because I tasted it after a particularly dry rose, today was particularly bad because yesterday was just exquisite. I’m supposed to be at an industry event right now, but I hope you realize that I’m not since I’m publishing this at 7:51pm. I felt like I was hit by a truck today and went home sick. I continued to work, let me tell you. My body literally hates me for my work ethic. But day 12 is the day that got me. Day 12 is also the day that forced me to throw away food. I napped briefly in the middle of bowl of soup number 4 so that sat getting cold and sad on my night table. Whole wheat egg noodles are also low-key gross, but I wasn’t about to get picky with my sick foods. I am thankful, however that I have so many frozen meals that my mom brought me. I need something spicy to really knock the mucus out of my head (sorry). My head feels like a balloon on the verge of popping despite the bowls of hot water that I mulled over with my blanket scarf draped over my head.

I’m especially bummed about missing the industry event, but my friend Kelly put it best: real adults don’t go to work when they’re sick. Since I’ve been working I still find it hard to view my coworkers as peers since I’m the youngest person in the office. I feel as if I constantly need to prove myself and stick through each and every day like my head is on the chopping block. But the reality is, I get sick sometimes. Everyone gets sick sometimes. I wasn’t sick for over 3 months, but this week was the week that got me and that needs to be okay. Taking one day to re-charge was necessary. I even worked from home, which is an option that I’m so grateful to have. Self-care and self-preservation are essential right now. They’re the tools that will enable me to produce my best work once I’m well rested.

 

Day 11 10/10/18

drink, lifestyle

Day 11 has been incredible. After putting in my 2 weeks notice I’ve felt extremely motivated at my main job. I visited an event location and interviewed the owner of a vineyard for an article.

As I approached the vineyard I had a stupid giant smile on my face. Fall in the Hudson Valley is picturesque, but this could make an oil painting look like an elementary school art project. The collage of trees distracted me until the expanse of grape vines appeared, extending back towards a group of barns. Opposite the vineyard is the Shawangunk Ridge, the mountains that occupy the area. My god, it was gorgeous,

I tasted 6 wines today. Yes, I got paid to taste wine. I first tried a Cab Franc, a variety that took extremely well to the area. I don’t think I’ve tried it before and it was a dry and drinkable red. Delightful. When I told the owner of the vineyard that I tried it, she asked if I usually like dry reds. When I said yes, she said that she would give me a list of wines to try that include some dry reds but mostly other varieties. She said the tasting room is exactly that, for tasting. I should feel comfortable enough to get out of my comfort zone and get out of the habit of only buying one type of wine. While I live outside the comfort zone, I understand that most people don’t want to bother spending money on something they won’t like. She made me feel like I was in good hands. Like if I didn’t like a wine I wouldn’t feel guilty because I’m there to discover if I like a wine or not.

When it came down to it and to my surprise, my tastebuds lingered on a light, citrusy white wine. I couldn’t take my mind off of it even as I interviewed the owner. I went back inside and bought a bottle. It’s burning a hole in my fridge as I test my self control and save it for when my boyfriend visits this weekend. The white is their best seller, and has evolved over the years the vineyard has been open.

Today revived me both energetically and inspirationally. I took advantage of my slow morning and enjoyed every second I was out in the field. Usually I bemoan transcribing interviews but for some reason I can’t wait to listen to this half hour masterpiece and write multiple pieces about this phenomenal place. I might even come back this weekend.

I learned so much today. My alarm just went off and I can’t believe it’s already 10PM. I’ve got 2 more days until my day off. Let’s not get too too tired before it’s all over. I’ve got big things coming.